Leftovers #28

I’m sometimes baffled by the frenetic intensity of my emotions. Like a pan of water suddenly coming to a spilling-over-the-edges boil, they can fire up and simmer until there’s nothing left. The remains of my things from a flat that was never mine but I occupied in kind for almost two years sat still and heavy on my bed. I’d sunk a few pints and many glasses of wine between them arriving and me attaching some sort of meaning onto them. I cried deeply, gasping, wailing at midnight, and again the next day when the flat felt lonelier than it had in a long time; no longer warm from summer’s embrace, instead dark, cold and bare.

Reaching out when you’re feeling unexpectedly lonely is a terrifying feeling. Admitting vulnerability is painful for me. I rarely tell people I’m sad, instead I ask if they’d like to go for a drink, and on Monday night two of them kindly obliged in between deadlines. I find it hard to cook when I’m in this kind of mood, but a small spurt of energy meant a desire to use up what was in my fridge (not much), which comprises this week’s recipes-not-recipes triptych. Until then, a few general leftovers for you.